TOP 10 MOST ANNOYING VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS...EVER

(Small Break in the Action)
Before we begin counting down the top 10 most annoying video game characters, we have a very special shoutout to do! Yesterday, theJway822 (his username on Youtube), wrote us some really awesome messages and comments. To quote a few: "this is one of the greatest things i've ever seen," and "i know greatness when i see it and you sir are great." The video theJway822 enjoyed was our 500 view special video from about a month ago. Take a minute and see for yourself.

Think he was right? Let us know what you think. Getting back to theJway822's contributions, he also added us on Facebook, posted a link to this video on his wall, AND tweeted this video. Talk about a great supporter. To theJway822, we greatly appreciate your kind words and your sharing of our video. Thank you.

As for the rest of Cullination's fanbase, you too can receive a shoutout. Awesome comments and messages, Facebook wall posts and tweets of ANY of our content will grant you a shoutout from us.  

Now, here's our top ten!

For every amazing character in video games (see Mario, Link, Samus, etc), there is an equally crappy one. Just about every series, franchise, and individual game has its stupid, annoying, and widely pointless characters. There are plenty to choose from, but here are our top 10.


#10.      TAILS (Sonic the Hedgehog 2)

The second installment of Sonic the Hedgehog introduces us to Tails, a sidekick who wants to help Sonic save the world. Unfortunately, his ambitions far surpass his abilities.

On one hand, Tails is a cute, lovable fox. But on the other hand, Tails is good for exactly nothing. Unable to keep up with Sonic's momentum, playing as Tails in the co-op mode is basically a constant struggle to keep the character on-screen. Sonic is too fast, or Tails is too slow. We're going with number two.

The computer version of Tails is no better really. Try playing a stage with Tails as your computer partner and he becomes the world's largest bomb magnet. During regular gameplay, when he's not busy dying, Tails has also been known to prematurely activate crumbling platforms, elevators, and various explosive hazards. Worst of all, deep down inside he believes he's helping the entire time, which makes it almost impossible to hate him...almost.


#9.      LAKITU (Super Mario Bros.)

Lakitu is easily one of the most irritating enemies in video game history. Not only is he hard to kill, but the fact that he rides on a smiley cloud face as if he was mocking you is even more annoying. His ability to float around in the air with a happy cloud to kill you makes him such a meanie butt. He throws down those annoying red enemies who may be slow but when there’s so many of them on the screen, you can’t avoid dying by them or at least losing your mushroom power. Your only shot is to get up to a block and jump on him when he isn’t throwing one of those enemies. If he is though, you’re going to die so you have to time it perfectly, and even when you kill him he comes back!  So not fair, and so annoying!

#8.      COPS (Road Rash)

In real life, we appreciate the cops. We don't want to live in a lawless wasteland (well, not all the time). But in the world of video games, they serve primarily as a means to obstruct your fun.

When playing this game (which was for Sega by the way people), all you're trying to do is participate in an innocent little illegal motorcycle street race, while maybe hitting your opponents with chains or a club or two. These meanies on wheels insist on busting you at every opportunity. They have also clearly been bribed, as they never attempt to arrest your opponents, many of which, according to their bios, ACTUALLY HAVE an established criminal history.

And if you thought these officers weren't already diabolical enough, they often have the foresight to park themselves roughly two-hundred yards in front of double-parked cars at the end of blind 90-degree turns, so that when you inevitably crash, you slide right into them. We ask you, who's committing the crime here?


#7.      BUBBLE (The Legend of Zelda 2: Adventures of Link)

Bubble doesn’t do a lot of damage but he also can’t be killed. He geometrically knocks off walls into places you always have to avoid. Even with his predictable geometrical pattern, he’s always a pain because he has his friends with him who are either other bubbles or enemies on the screen coming at you while this jerk is swooping down from the castle heights to knock you backwards and take away your energy. Sometimes Zelda 2 will plant 3 of them in the same part of the same room! You won’t be able to avoid it. You just gotta take the hit, move on and not break your controller. These are the most annoying enemies in Zelda history. They can’t be beaten and always find a way to harm you even when you’re doing your best to try to avoid them. Stupid bubble.

#6.      BOSS BASS (Super Mario Bros 3)

No, that isn't a cranky teething Cheep Cheep. Okay it kind of is. That's Boss freaking Bass. This guy sucks. He keeps coming back and kills you in one swoop of a gulp. Just when you’re making a jump from one floating block to another this obese...thing comes and eats you alive. Kill this fatty and he returns in a second.  He has the power of eternal recurrence! The water world is a fun world except having to play these levels with this rotund  fishy who only wants to eat Mario and Luigi and no one else. If he’s so hungry then why can’t he just eat some of the enemies on the screen? Why does he prefer only Mario and Luigi? Does he not like Italians or something?  Freaking racist fish.

#5.      TINGLE (The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

This eccentric little man sells you maps, making it easier to find your way through the world. Oh, and he wears a spandex fairy costume. We're all for character development in games but it may never be fully understood why this simple map maker had to be fleshed out as a 35 year old weirdo obsessed with fulfilling his fairy fantasy. Sure, as Link we're also wearing green tights, but at least we've got a sword! What does he have, magical wedgies? Those undies aren't even freaking green, they're red!

This guy seems to have been genetically bred in a lab as a walking irritant. Everything he does rubs us the wrong way (EXAMPLE: Tingle ends every single convesation with the magic words "Kooloo-Limpah") and there's no avoiding him, because he's got the maps. What's worse, Nintendo continued to bring him back in future installments of the series.

Don't waste your time on assassination attempts either, as they will never amount to anything but attempts. No amount of vicious blows by Link's sword will bring down Tingle. You can shoot him with arrows, throw bombs at his face, run him over with your horse, or even pour milk on him. Nothing will work. Not only is he creepy and idiotic at the same time, he is INDESTRUCTIBLE.


#4.      SLIPPY TOAD (Star Fox 64)

This toad pilot and mechanical genius is an alleged valued member of the Star Fox team. That is, until he opens his mouth, engages in combat, picks his nose, or pretty much does anything.

You'd think that a toad flying a jet fighter in space would be nothing short of awesome. You'd be wrong. During every mission, Slippy quickly makes himself the most hated member of the Star Fox team by using his high-pitched voice to shout random, useless advice. During combat, his idea of dogfighting seems to be getting trapped by the enemy and bugging Fox to save him. We're assured during the game that his mechanical expertise makes him invaluable, which must be the only reason he isn't blown out of the sky by friendly fire five seconds after takeoff.


#3.      NATALYA (Goldeneye)

James Bond must protect this computer programmer who once worked on the deadly GoldenEye satellite that has been hijacked by terrorists. Her expertise was essential in stopping it from attacking London, which means every bad guy in the game is going to try to shoot her while you, as Bond, must throw yourself in front of their bullets.

"Ok Natalya...I'll kill all the bad guys and complete every single one of our mission objectives. All you have to do is not die and under no circumstances should you step in front of me while I'm shooting. Feel free to give in to those spontaneous urgesto  type on a keyboard with closed-fists. Just don't die."

Needless to say, she dies. She ALWAYS dies. If James Bond is licensed to kill, Natalya must be licensed to die. She clearly was born with a rare genetic disorder that disables her instinct for self-preservation. And intelligence.

Natalya also reinforces a double-standard. It's ok for her to ruin James Bond's missions by dying unexpectedly, or complain for icing Boris, her computer programmer friend. But should we suddenly feel the need to turn on her and unload two RCP-90 clips into her skull, it's considered "wrong" and "misogynist" and "pathological." Just look at the picture for five seconds, then try to tell me that you don't want to shoot her. And NOT lie about it.

Exactly.


#2.      EGGPLANT WIZARD (Kid Icarus)

Nothing like an obese cyclops eggplant montser with magical powers...except when that obese cyclops eggplant monster with magical powers turns you into an eggplant.

That's right, this abnormally large enemy of Pit transforms you into an eggplant, and that's it. He doesn’t even hurt you.  If he transforms you, your eggplant can still move, but can’t attack anything. You have to wander around a the famously difficult levels without an attack and getting creamed by the melee of enemies that the game always throws at you. Your only hope is going to that fairy on the far side of the screen to “turn off the spell”. Which, come to think of it, has to be an interesting conversation in itself. "Help, I was attacked by a fat evil cyclops eggplant magician and he turned me into a mini fat evil cyclops eggplant!" That's believable.

Being a cute little eggplant dude is cute for a little, but being constantly squashed (LOL that's another vegetable) by hordes of evil baddies isn't. 

#1.      MARIO KART RACERS USING COMEBACK AI
                                            (Mario Kart)

At some point race game designers realized we stopped playing the games as soon as we got good enough to win the races. So how to keep the game competitive years later? Why, by giving the opposing racers magically-enhanced speed, which means no matter how well you drive, they will always be right up your bumper (yeah, I went there).

When we own the fastest racer on the track, are the most skilled driver, and sit in first place for minutes on end, we expect to build an ever-widening lead en route to a dominant victory, thus giving us that self-esteem boost we so desperately need.

However, racers who use comeback A.I. don't like it when you feel good about yourself. Making people angry and depressed is the highlight of their day. It gives them the "tingles." Whenever you move into first place, they gain an impossible speed burst (or actually teleport ahead) to stay right behind you and wait for you to make the slightest mistake. Hit a banana peel two seconds before the finish line, and these guys will sweep around you to claim the checkered flag, AND have the balls to turn around and taunt you afterwards when they know your character will inevitably slip into his or her preset post-race animation, and therefore not have the ability to slam a shell into the side of their face. Oh yes indeed, first place is for during the race in Mario Kart, not ending the race.

Eventually during Mario Kart's gameplay you can have the misfortune of unlocking the Mirror Cups, which is essentially the courses in reverse. Cool right? NO.

Ideally: You want a good race to challenge yourself with. Reality: Magically speed enhanced teleporting drivers on the highest difficulty racing you BACKWARDS. And no, finishing 12th doesn't get you a pretty golden trophy just because it's the Mirror Cup and everything is backwards. Trust me, I tried.